\tPeople don\u2019t really want advice, even if they ask you for it.<\/p>\n
\tWhen someone comes to me to share his or her problem, I\u2019ve learned that the best thing to do while they drone on and on is simply to nod occasionally while making the noises that most people associate with sympathy. The groan of boredom can often be mistaken by such people as an expression of concern.<\/p>\n
\tBut no matter what they are telling me, I try very hard not to offer a solution. Offering a solution to someone with a problem is like trying to teach a pig to sing. All it does is annoy the pig. It\u2019ll never learn to sing. I\u2019ve had people ask me what they should do after they\u2019ve told me what their plans are. For instance, someone comes to me complaining of headaches. I suggest, \u201cif you just stop hitting yourself in the head with the hammer the headaches will go away, though you might want to visit a doctor, just in case.\u201d They simply set my words aside and reaffirm their original plan: \u201cI think I\u2019ll put bubble wrap around my head to cushion the blows.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tMost problems are the result of the conflict that the person talking to me is having with some other person or persons that are not talking to me at the moment. I\u2019ve learned that although their feelings about their situation and their perception of that situation are being presented to me accurately as far as they see it, the underlying reality is invariably somewhat different. Those situation comedies where one the characters tells a story to their friends about what another character does, only to have that character object and tell the same story but from their different point of view. Without fail, after the two characters tell the story, there is a recounting of the events as they actually happened. And the actual events only marginally resembles the tale as told by the first two. It seems to me that at least fifty percent of the conflicts that people have are merely the consequence of miscommunication and misunderstanding. But nearly a hundred percent of the time it is impossible to convince them of that.<\/p>\n
\tOne of my daughters will come to me and inform me about the misdeeds of her sister: \u201cShe called me a doufus!\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cBecause she\u2019s mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cYou weren\u2019t doing anything?\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cI was just sitting there at my computer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tI call in the other sister.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cDid you call your sister a doufus?\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cOf course not. But she was spitting sunflower seeds at me and singing off key while she watched a You Tube video.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tAnd so it goes. They have conflicts with their schoolmates.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cMy friend hates me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cWhy do you say that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cI was walking through the hall today and waved at her but she ignored me, like I wasn\u2019t even there.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cDo you suppose she just might not have seen you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cNo. She was talking to a boy and she just snubbed me because she\u2019s embarrassed to have me as a friend.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tJohn Adams, the second president of the United States, has been described as somewhat melancholy and pessimistic. One day he was walking down the street and a friend greeted him in passing, \u201cGood to see you.\u201d Adams spent the rest of the day concerned. \u201cI wonder what he meant by that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\tThe story is told about the French emperor Napoleon, that one day he received news that one of his generals had unexpectedly and inexplicably lost an important battle. One of Napoleon\u2019s aids reacted by calling the losing general a traitor and suggesting that he had betrayed them all.<\/p>\n
\tNapoleon shook his head. \u201cNever attribute to malice what is more easily explained by stupidity and incompetence.\u201d <\/p>\n
\tFor whatever reason, people have a tendency to always interpret the behavior of those around them\u2014especially their friends and family\u2014in the worst possible way. Rather than assume the best, they assume the worst. They are quick to believe malevolent intent rather than think to themselves that they might have misunderstood. If it weren\u2019t for miscommunication and misinterpretation in interpersonal relationships, there\u2019d hardly be any problems at all.<\/p>\n
\tGenerally speaking, when someone comes to me for counseling, they really aren\u2019t wanting to be counseled. Instead, they are wanting to have their life style choice blessed by someone that they perceive to be an authority figure: \u201cI\u2019ve been robbing banks now for nearly three years and sometimes I feel bad about it, but I really need the money. What do you think I should do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\tSuch a person does not want the truth. Instead, they want me to say, \u201cWell, God normally frowns on stealing, but you\u2019re one of those special cases where it is okay. There\u2019s no reason for you to feel bad at all. Your need makes your behavior both justifiable and necessary.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tOf course, there is an advantage sometimes in giving advice, even when the person you\u2019re talking to doesn\u2019t want it. If you make him or her angry, there\u2019s always the chance that they won\u2019t ever bother you again. Unfortunately, in my experience, they never stay angry for very long and I wind up having to listen to their troubles all over again, usually within a matter of weeks. And sadly, it is usually the same problem over and over: \u201cThe bubble wrap hasn\u2019t made the headaches go away. What do you think?\u201d<\/p>\n
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